Monday, May 31, 2010

Tragic Clown and Happy Pills


Hi Folks,

it's me again Tanktop Tammy. Sos this weekend, I spent ALL day Saturday and ALL day Sunday sittin in my big black bikini on my hammock, listening to music blare with beer and cigarette in hand. Creepo and CB sat with me the whole time too. Creepo's favourite is to count. He tries to count to ten but gets all the numbers mixed up. Like he'll say "1, 3, 2, 6, 5, 8, 10!" We all cheer!

Anyway, Lawnboy Larry done took off for awhile. When he didn't show up for lunch, we decided to go alookin for him. Guess where he was? You'll never guess.

Lawnboy Larry done jumped KooKoo's fence and got into her 'happy pills'. Yep, he sure did. KooKoo's been takin these 'happy pills' since she done come back from the Loonie Bin and they make her voice all sweetsy like and high pitched and they make her sound like she's talkin to a baby ALL the time. But she seems real happy, now. Sorta creepy though. We all agree, we done liked her better all skulky and weird and mean.

Anyway, back to my story. Sos we find Lawnboy Larry sittin on Ralphio's deck suckin down KooKoo's 'happy pills'. He's gigglin somethin fierce and smilin all crazy like and rockin back and forth, back and forth.

Creepo tried to get them 'happy pills' away from him but that made him growl. Then he sucked down the last one and then I tackled him to the ground.

We done took him to that there place called a hospital. The doctor said Lawnboy Larry will be ok once he starts pukin up all them pills. She said Lawnboy Larry's 'a tragic figure'. I overheard her done tellin that nurse that Lawnboy Larry's a tragedy, like this dude from something like 'Death of a Salesman'

That Lawnboy Larry's delusional, thinkin he's still back in high school and all, and that he's still cool cuz he done wear his cap backward and all and that he likes to ride his skateboard.

The doctor done told me she thought Lawnboy Larry done bumped his head cuz he was tellin her how cool he was. I done told her that "nope, he didn't bang his head, that's just Lawnboy Larry, he's always like that' And then she just shook her head and said he was a sad, sad tragic figure. I dunno what that means but I hope she don't have eyes for my man! Cuz I'll beat her up.

Sos anyway, I took Lawnboy Larry home and he done spent the WHOLE night pukin.

What a loser.

All in all, I'd say it was a good weekend. Just don't know what I'll do when KooKoo gets back and done finds her 'happy pills' all gone?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

KooKoo and Arby and the 'happy pills'


Hello again all you losers,

it's me Tanktop Tammy.

Sos, it's 9 AM and I'm just sittin here, in my bikini, music's blarin, sun's bakin my already crusty leathery hide, beer in hand, this is the life folks.

Sos, got another neighbour I wanna tell yous about. This one's called Arby.

Ralphio and KooKoo were so hatin Arby last year. They couldn't stand her. They says she is loud and that her big ol dog done pooped on their lawn, and they says she is the worst neighbour EVER (sides me, of course!).

They were gettin ready to pack it up and move done cuz of her. KooKoo was always callin them police and human society and anyone else she could think of, on Arby. Them police were at Arby's house ALL the time! Arby couldn't figure out why them police were at her house ALL the time. She still don't know it was cuz of KooKoo.

Ralphio says it was cuz of Arby that KooKoo went nutz. I don't hang out with Arby, we gots kids the same age but she won't let her kid come here to play, sometimes Pigface goes there though.

Ralphio told EVERYONE how much he hated Arby.

Then one day Arby put out a pool AND a trampoline. THEN KooKoo done likes Arby now. They be best friends. KooKoo hangs out all day now in Arby's yard. Her favourite is to put her kid on Arby's trampoline and then pick dead weeds from Arby's yard.

They be the bestest of friends. NOT as close as me and Creepo though, nobody can be that close, but they be close.

Sos now them police and human society ain't called on Arby no more.

Still waitin to be invited over to Arby's house sos I can hang with KooKoo (even though she's creepier now that she's on 'happy pills') and Arby.

Anyway, folks, I gotta go get another one of these beers, and go scratch my ass again, it done flopped out of my bikini again. And Lawnboy Larry's no where in sight, best go find him, and make him help me put my ass back in. I'm feelin a little woozy from all the beer.

Is it lunchtime yet?


see ya suckers,

Tanktop Tammy
ps, this here's a pic of my favourite kid-SuperDuper, that's his baby pic. I know! So cute huh.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Bikini Update: Fits like a glove!

Hello All You Losers,
it's me again, Tanktop Tammy. Sos just sittin here in the kids kiddie pool watchin them, sort of, play in the mud puddle out back. I got myself into my bikini. The fat just kind of oozes out all around, up and over as they say. I'm lookin pretty good!
Thinkin I'm goin get me some more of these bikinis. When I told Lawnboy Larry this yesterday, his eyes done nearly popped out of his head and he made his face go all squished up, like he was in pain or somethin. Maybe I'll get Lawnboy Larry a bikini too.
Creepo and his lovely bride are with me now, sittin and starin. Then some more of my loser friends are comin by this afternoon to hang. We keep ourselves pretty busy.
Well, gotta go, Pigface just shoved SuperDuper's head under the muddy water again, maybe I should say somethin. After all SuperDuper is my favourite.
See ya suckers,
Tanktop Tammy

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

My Week

Hello losers,
it's me again, Tanktop Tammy. Guess what super exciting things I will be doing ALL week? Same as last week and the week before that and the week before that, etc etc etc.
Yep, you guessed it, sit in my campin chair and smoke and drink and stare. My skin looks like a leathery hide, all crusty and hard. My hair is all stringy and sun burnt. My toes need paintin. But all in all, I'm lookin good!
So here I'll sit, not moving, for the rest of the week.
It's good to take it easy! Working's for chumps.

later losers,
Tanktop Tammy

Saturday, May 22, 2010

The Bikini

Ah, the long weekend finally. This is my chance to FINALLY get some rest and take it easy. Think I'm goin sit in my hammock and sleep and sunbathe meself. Then I'll go find my old bikini and try and stretch it out good and hard til it finally snaps into all the right places. Then I'll sit in the kids' kiddie pool and make Lawnboy Larry get me drinks and cigarettes.

Creepo and CB and their lovely kids will be hangin all day with us too. Luckily they all have their own campin chairs.

Ah, this is the life. Wish I could do this everyday.

Anyway, gotta run and find that bikini, Lawnboy Larry buried it out back last year. But I'll find it and dig er up!

Later losers,
Tanktop Tammy

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

My Day by Tanktop Tammy

Hey all you losers,

it's me Tanktop Tammy. You'll never guess what I did today? All day today AND all day yesterday I sat on my campin chair and smoked and drank and stared. Me and CB! ALL DAY! What a blast. AND I growled at some neighbours too. They done laughed at me then. Then I scowled real hard.

Now I'm relaxin watchin Lawnboy Larry try and start up his beloved lawnmower. Sparks are flyin out of that thing like mad. Lawnboy Larry almost done caught on fire! What a loser!

gotta go, my cigarette's almost done and I be needin to start up another one,
Tanktop Tammy

Monday, May 17, 2010



Hey Folks,

this here is Tanktop Tammy. Today I want to talk about my neighbour. Her name is Creepo's Bride or CB for short. She shacks up with my very bestest friend in the whole wide world- Creepo, of course! They are a lovely couple.

All weekend me, Lawnboy Larry, Creepo and CB sat in our campin chairs and smoked and drank and stared. It was super fun! Creepo and CB's lovely children LittleBastard, CryingGirl and BratGirl played with my two kids Pigface and SuperDuper.

Mostly they played with them on the road. A couple times LittleBastard was almost hit by a car. We all thought that was pretty funny! It really scared the driver. Loser!

And we lost the kids a few times. No big deal though. They all showed up at the back door round midnight or was it 1 in the morning, maybe even 2 am? Can't really remember cuz we were drinkin ALOT. Anyway, they eventually came home. This seems to happen alot. Especially when we've been drinkin. Oh boy, did we have fun!

This weekend we plan to do the same exact thing. Sit and stare and smoke and drink! It's so fun to be so cool!!

CB and I have so much fun together. Sometimes we have a smokin contest- who can smoke the most cigarettes. And sometimes we teach new swear words to Pigface. Super fun times. But mostly we just like to sit.

Well, that's it from me!

Later losers,

Tanktop Tammy

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Ralphio



Hello Folks,

it's me again, Tanktop Tammy. Today I will introduce you to another neighbour of mine. This one here is called Ralphio. He's shackin up with KooKoo. He's real super paranoid. Like ALL the time man. His eyes are always shifting and his head is always a-turning, back and forth, back and forth. He's a nervous wreck. All us neighbours nicknamed him "Snitch-The-Two-Faced-Weasel". He's always pretending to be your friend, and Lawnboy Larry done told him all his secrets, and Ralphio done told everyone esle. If you want to know anything about anyone, you just go to Ralphio. He was the one that done told us that KooKoo went into the Loonie Bin. He thought she was never gonna get out. But she did. She came back. So now he's back to cuttin his lawn and watering his dead plants and making his there deck. He nearly lost all his toes when those bricks fell on his there feet. Lawnboy Larry and I laughed super hard when that happened! Haha loser!

Well, that's it from me. It's Mother's Day and my day to finally rest.

See ya suckers,

Tanktop Tammy